?

I think those questions that you ask when you think you’re awake but you’re not really quite awake yet are some of the best. I’m sure a writer like Stephen King has a really cool word or phrase for that in between, coming up from the depths of Slumbor’s lair moment, but I don’t.

The last one I asked, I remember because I had to make sure I said it out loud or else it would be lost forever was “Can dogs get polio?”

As it turns out, yes they can.

Word To The Wise

When sitting around with a good friend solving all the world's problems over a bottle of wine or two, make sure you take notes. No crummier feeling than waking up the next day feeling refreshed and accomplished and realizing that you can't remember a dratted thing. I don't think it's so much the wine as the massive endorphine rush you get when you realize that you've just cured the world of all its ails. That good feeling is what makes your brain turn mushy (anyone who has ever been in love can attest to that fact).
So, keep a notepad handy, just in case.

You Are

You are the knot that sits between my shoulders
... the pea under my matress when I sleep
... the forgotten pin in my shirt
... the tear in my pants, the tangle in my hair
... the car alarm going off at 3am outside my window
... the song I can't get out of my head
... the lyric I can't remember
... the weed in my bed of roses
... the splinter in my finger
... the smell of gas coming from my furnace
... the streetcar I missed when I was already late for work
... the one pint too many
... the part of my brain incapable of rational thought
... the diet that made me gain weight
... the joke I told that no one got
... the weird smell I can't find the source of
... the promotion I was passed over for
... the tattoo I never got and the one I did
... the crack in my window that lets in the cold and rain
... the adrenaline rush I get when I do something bad
... the constant ringing in my ears
... the party I threw that no one showed up for
... the white lint on my black cashmere sweater
You are the nagging feeling that I have forgotten something.

Short List

I have never:

• made my own wine
• been a bridesmaid
• been a bride
• dated someone for their money
• gotten over it

I have:

• drank homemade wine
• been a last minute maid of honour
• proposed marriage
• dated someone for their looks
• gotten over it

Cookies

These cookies are my third favourite thing in the world.
This is also the very first and only recipe I have ever mastered.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Preheat oven to 375

Cream:
1/4 cup butter
Add gradually and beat until creamy:
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
Beat in:
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
Stir and sift in:
1 cup and 2 tablespoons sifted all purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
Stir in:
1/2 cup chopped nuts
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Drop the batter on to greased cookie sheets in teaspoon sizes and bake for about 10 minutes.

Mmmmm...
(courtesy of The Joy Of Cooking)

Something to Chew On

Change is good but sometimes it takes some getting used to.

For instance, say you're force fed beets with every meal for years and years and then suddenly one day, no more beets. It's going to take some adjustment to realize that the beets are gone. You can see that there are no longer any beets on your plate and your fingers are no longer stained red, but the taste of beets will linger on your tongue for some time.

For the next few meals you’re going to be expecting the beets because as far as you know meal equals beets. You may even flinch if there is something round and red on your plate. But slowly, day-by-day, you’ll get used to the beets being gone. It’s very doubtful you’ll ever miss the beets and perhaps, one day, they’ll come back in a different shape or form, but if and when the beets come back it will be your choice to eat them or not.

Green No-Beet Borscht

1 lb Sorrel

1 lb Spinach

1 lb Pork sausage (spicy)

2 1/4 Quarts beef stock

2 Onions, chopped

1 Carrot, chopped

1 Celery stalk, chopped

2 Potatoes peeled and chopped

1 Tbls Fresh Dill, chopped

1/2 Cup Heavy cream
4 Eggs hardboiled, Sliced

1/4 Cup Sour cream

1/4 tsp black pepper

Bring the beef stock to a boil.
While the broth is warming up, brown the sausage in a skillet Drain the fat and pat dry with paper towel to remove as much fat as possible.
Add the sausage, onion, carrot, celery, sorrel, spinach, potatoes and pepper and boil for 10 minutes.
Reduce heat and simmer for an hour.
Remove from heat.
Stir the cream and fresh dill.
Serve with a slice of egg and a teaspoon of sour cream.

(from http://www.netcooks.com/)

An Open Ltr

Dear Emailer,

Thank you for your message, I'm happy that you took the time to contact me.

I feel I must explain that no matter who you are lol, plz, k?thx, j/k and :) (or variations thereof) aren't going to cover up the fact that you're a jerk and they don't make up for it. These symbols and random letters do not an apology make and they don't make your rudeness disappear.

Please stop using these shortcuts and just say what you really mean. If you are too lazy to do your job and want me to do it, if you are asking me because you think I'm a pushover then stop it. I don't mind doing you a favour, I'm a nice person, but if you're trying to take advantage of me I'll see right through it. If you are mad at me then tell me why straightforwardly and honestly. If I have done you wrong I will do my best to make up for it without the use of a semi-colon and a bracket.

If you are angry or upset or happy or joyous about something please don't belittle your feelings with abreviations.


Thank you.

The P Word

I have come to accept that I am the Queen of Procrastination. It started in high school, only back then I procrastinated until it was too late to actually get the assignment done on time. Then in college, when the assignments were on subjects I liked for courses I picked (and more importantly that I had paid for myself) I started to know the joy of the rush of pulling all- nighters and slipping the assignment on the teachers desk with .04 seconds left on the clock. And I also started to know the joy of the good grades, because despite my rushing and blurry 3am musings on Huck Fin or American history or whatever the assignment, I started pulling my best grades ever.

Now, as a freelance writer, I still suffer from the need for speed. The need to wait until the last possible minute to get an assignment done. I truly believe that it makes my work better, stronger and helps me focus..... despite what my mother, and the Girl Scouts, tried to teach me about "being prepared".

Now if you'l excuse me I have a 750 word article due tomorrow at 10am. I've got a nap to take, some TV to watch, a dog to walk, a nose to pick and then.... eventually.... an article to write.

The Double-Edged Sword

How many times has someone said to you "I've got good news and I've got bad news. Which do you want first?"
I woke up with this on my mind and well, wanted to know other people's answers? Which do you want first? There is rationale for both.

Take the good news first, then when you hear the bad it's buffered by the good. Good news, if it's good enough, can change your perspective on the bad. For example if you boyfriend says to you "The good news is I want to marry you and spend the rst of my life with you. The bad news is I kinda drove your car into a tree." (I personally wouldn't give a shit about the car).

Take the bad news first because then the good seems even better. Also you get the ugly out of the way and can concentrate on the good. For example your boss says "The bad news is we're down-sizing and your whole department is axed. The good news is your severance is 3 years pay."

It's kinda a glass half emtpy/half full question, which I also dislike.

So what are your thoughts - Good news first or bad news first?

My answer: I'll take the good news and you can shove the bad up yer arse.

You've Got Romantic Comedy

At the end of You’ve Got Mail Meg Ryan's character speaks the words “I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly”. I just realized how bloody insulting that line is. She’s such an idiot that she doesn’t realize that Tom Hanks' character is the guy she’s been chatting with online even though he seems to have a 6th sense about everything the online guy is going to do and say?

After developing a deep relationship with a man who was her sworn enemy and then having an amazing day with him why didn’t she have the guts to say “You know what, I don’t want to meet this mystery man because I’m in love with you”? Or if she did have an idea that Online Man and Sworn Enemy Who I'm Falling For were the same person, why she didn’t have the ovaries to ask him outright? Or if she did know, she was totally fine being strung along and manipulated by him on the slimmest of chances that she would get the fairytale ending she's always wanted?

I’m also annoyed with myself because while I should be working, I have let my train of thought derail so badly that I've wasted over 20 minutes analyzing the end line of a ten-year-old Nora Ephron film.

What does Gmail think of you?

So I had a conversation with some girlfriends this weekend and one of them had an interesting revelation. Apparently Gmail scans your emails and picks up on keywords, then they choose the ads they place on your gmail page accordingly. One friend who was recently married said she was seeing a lot of photographer ads and vacation packages. I personally have never looked at the ads beside my emails but became intrigued and went back to look at them.

Here's what gmail thinks I'd be interested in:

Germany's News in English - breaking news, views and chats from Germany.
Hmm... never been to Germany, never thought about Gemany, don't know any Germans. Apparently gmail thinks I need to get out more. travel the world. Thanks for the tip, gmail.

$250,000 Income Potential - Entrepeneurs wanted. No selling. Turnkey system.
Apparently gmail thinks Ijust fell off a turnip truck and am scam-able. Bite me gmail.

Toxic Tort Lawyers - Helping Chemical Exposure Victims.
Really? What? Do you know something I don't gmail??? Should I make Dr's appointment?!

I don't know what words they are grabbing from my emails, but it's not the right ones. I should be getting ads for debt consolidation, immigration laywers and dating websites. Gmail, you don't know me at all.

The Innocent Compliment

I was watching a video of my best friend’s daughter today and I have to say, I love the distracted way that children take compliments. The very offhanded way they say “yes” when told that something they made is beautiful or the way they sing is lovely. If an adult were to take a compliment the same way some would call it egotistical but the innocence of a child makes it so pure – all they are doing is acknowledging that what you said was fact. No ego, no self-centeredness, no false pretences. They don’t think you’re blowing smoke up their ass, they don’t think that you’re being nice to get something from them and they don’t think you’re just being polite. You stated a fact and they are agreeing; no more, no less.

I have a hard time taking compliments. Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that acknowledging a compliment with a “thank you” or “that’s nice of you to say” makes me self-centered and full of myself. Or that if someone is paying me a compliment they must want something from me or are lying to lower my defences, make me vulnerable and gain the upper hand.

I am going to try very hard this weekend to take every compliment that comes my way as if I’m a 3-year-old. I’ll take whatever it is the other person is saying as an obvious truth, thank them and carry on.

Infinity + 1

This is the kind of shit I think about when I walk to and from work. And fart jokes, always with the fart jokes.

Some people say that God is not something outside of ourselves but within us. That God is the Universe and we are made of the same substance as the Universe therefore we are the Universe and we are God, each and every one of us.
At the very heart of the atoms that make up our beings we are created of basically Nothing. We are nothing but pure Energy and pure Nothingness.
If we are in ourselves the Universe and therefore God, do we ourselves not create and control our Destinies?
Perhaps that is true, but what if the Destiny I create for myself is completely contrary to the Destiny of another? Who's energy and destiny wins?
What makes the energy in one stronger than the energy of another?
And if we are to believe that there is a finite amount of energy in the Universe, spread throughout all of us, and that there are more beings on the Earth than at any other time in history, are we in fact weakening the basic energy that controls us all?
Are we stealing energy from others, for every other species that we destroy are we strengthening ourselves or weakening the power?
Are we destroying the Universe? Have we weakened God? Are we slowly killing ourselves by making ourselves stronger?

I have a lot of time on my hands. It's a long walk home.

Running On Empty

I went for a run this morning. I haven't been running in a while because I hate running. More specifically, I hate runners.

While out for my run at 7:30 this morning, I realized that there are a lot of frustrated and single people in Vancouver.

The kind of people that go running at 7:30am are different than those who go out later in the day. The later day runners are the breed that I hate, they're the ones running to better their health, to live longer, lower their cholesterol, strengthen their immune system. The earlier day or later night runners are the ones I like – mostly because I'm a part of that group – they're (we're) the ones out running because we've got something to run from. You see, no one gets up at 7:30 in the morning to go for a run because they WANT to, they go because something (or someone) has forced them into their shoes and out the door.

We don't give a shit about our overall health, chances are one in five of us smoke and one in three drinks above the moderation level. We run because we don't talk. We run because we're full of frustration and can't masturbate anymore without doing serious damage. We run because we can't stand up for ourselves and ask for what we want. We run because it's easier to run from our demons than to face them head on.

Don't get me wrong, we do all those things we mentioned above. Sometimes we meditate to get it all back into alignment, sometimes we fast away the emotional toxins. Sometimes we paint or write it all out. Sometimes we even fuck our frustrations away. But sometimes, we need to run – run until our heart feels like it's going to burst in our chest, that our lungs are going to collapse in on themselves, like our knees are going to shatter like icicles falling from the eaves on a frozen winter night. There are times that the only thing that will get the crap out from between our ears is to run and get angry and spit and get sweaty and snotty.

I know that I'm not a late morning or early afternoon runner because as I sit and write this I'm enjoying a cigarette.

Some people go to therapy, some people mediate or do yoga. Some people shop or drink or eat to get the crap out. Sometimes I do those things, but sometimes in the early light of a Sunday morning when the Saturday night has been uneventful and full of frustrations that no dream can take away, I get up and I put on my shoes and my toque and my sweats and I run. I throw Sugar Ray into my discman and enjoy some me time with Mark McGrath. Sometimes it's King Apparatus, sometimes it's the soundtrack to the Blues Brothers. Sometimes I'm not even running or walking, sometimes I'm the weirdo who's dancing down the seawall to a soundtrack that only I can hear.