Thursday, November 5, 2009

Hey fatty! It's all relative...

So I am battling the buldge. At least I feel that way. I am 5'7 and 135lbs. This is by all accounts - from doctors, and even sketchy internet websites - is average.

But, average is not MY average.

People always tell me I don't have a right to complain because I'm not actually "big" but for me, for what i weighed the majority of my life compared to now - this is big. And really, just because a great deal of Americans and Canadians are classified as obese it does NOT take away my right to feel chubby. You do NOT have to be 300lbs to feel fat and want to be healthier/smaller and the fact that people judge or disapprove of "average" size people wanting to lose a few is how we became obese to begin with.

I don't want to be Kate Moss or Lindsay Lohan - even I think they are skeletons. But I don't want to be 135lbs either.

Weight's relative. Big for me isn't going to be big for you. And vice versa.

Up until I was 26 years old I weighed no more than 111lbs. I was a size ZERO. I know, you hate me. Here's more reason to hate me, I ate whatever the hell I wanted and was still only 111lbs. I did work out though - a lot - because I had free gym access and thought of it as more of a social activity and a way to hang out with girlfriends.

I never thought about my weight, but I also didn't spend every day of every week eating bags or oreos or only fried foods. I ate saldas because I liked salads. And I've been physically active my whole life. Always played sports, worked out etc. Well, except I never did a sit up in my life, but always had a flat belly. Again, hate me.

Then I moved to a shitty small town for a shittier journalism job on the other side of the country away from all friends and family. My theory, looking back, was that I was so unhappy I tried to eat my way out of the town.

Eventually I just simply drove myself out, but the damage was done. In 11 months I had gained 30 pounds. Now to put this in perspective I went from a size 0 to a size 6. (I'm basing my sizing on Gap jeans since I always wore them).

As soon as I settled in a bigger, better town and a better job, the weight naturally fell away. But not all of it. I dropped to about 125 pounds and a size 4.

Did I feel good? Yes and no. As far as I was concerned, I was still fat. Because for me - it was still bigger than what I was used to. What I had taken for granted. On top of which my body morphed with the weight. I grew hips and boobs and things I didn't have before and am still to this day not comfortable with. I loved my 10 year old boy stick figure. I honestly did.

In the last few months I've gone up to a size 6 again. I weigh about 135 lbs as I stated earlier. I blame this on a desk job and an engagement. Statistics say engaged people gained anywhere from 5 to 15 pounds. Happiness is fattening.

I've thought about asking the fiance to take the ring back for a weekend and pretend to change his mind so maybe I can lose the weight but instead I'm back on a strict exercise regiment.

I'm using's My Plate and Fitness section to monitor my calories and fitness. I'm starting hot yoga today and have been back in the gym at least 2 days a week.

I now actually do sit-ups.

My goal isn't to be 110 pounds again, not because I don't want to be but because I'm a realist and don't think it's possible anymore.

I'd love to be 125lbs. But would settle for 130 lbs. I just want my pants from last year to stop severing my interal organs. I'm hoping to be 130lbs by December 2 - before I go back to LA.

Will I still feel fat? Yeah probably. And if you're not obsese, but still feel fat you can bitch to me all you want. I get it.

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