Monday, September 21, 2009

August Rush

I watched August Rush last night. Shut. Up. It brought me back to a familiar theme.

I've been thinking about films like that (the music prodigy aspect of it aside, which was actually kind of sweet) quite a bit lately. I mean more the fairy-tale like quality of them, the completely improbable perfect hook-up and resulting love story. If I'd watched a film like that twenty years ago, I'd have fallen for it completely.

These types of films were what dictated our expectations, as young women. Small wonder we are so consistently disappointed by our relationships, if we are expecting this sort of thing to go on.
But then, on the other hand.. how much better is it to develop this thick cynical skin, and not wish for anything of the sort at all. It was interesting to watch myself saying OH COME ON LIKE THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN..

And so i stopped, and tried for just a moment to get back into that old mindset. It was so illuminating, this stark contrast. This loss of simple hope we carry around, as we get older. I don't mean just romantically speaking, but about life, about the future, about everything.

And so, I am making a conscious effort to increase my average daily level of hope. With thanks to august rush. For crying out loud.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Running For A Reason

I'm participating in the CIBC Run For The Cure this year. I'm not going it alone but running with a team made up of comics from around Toronto. When my friend Ian asked if I'd like to join the team and run for cancer his timing couldn't have been more perfect. I'd been feeling low - still no job, summer turning to fall, closer to another birthday and so on - so it was great to be presented with an opportunity to do something for other people that would shift my focus off my "mohills that seem like mountains" problems.

Now here's the thing; I started training to run the 10K today and I'm HORRENDEOUSLY out of shape, I knew I was out but didn't realize just how far. I have no doubt that my muscle memory will kick in and I'll be slow run/fast walking the 10K with no problem by October 4th.

That's not the problem, the problem is that I've shifted the focus of running back to me. Running for breast cancer research is now a secondary thought "Oh yeah, the cancer, right. But more importantly I'm going to start losing weight and looking better." My chartitable intentions have led me back to my vanity goals.

Does everyone have this problem? Do we as a society and as individuals ever just do a good deed without the thought of what we get out of it? The good feelings, the sense of satisfaction, the bragging rights, the tax write-off, the free lunch...

Day to day good deeds may not be noticed at first but the more you do them the better you feel - provided you're not doing them out of spite or to show off, because when no one notices you'll get bitter and resentful in a big hurry as the attitude and actions of an ex-friend will attest to.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing to do good deeds for slightly selfish reasons. You feel better, they feel better and they'll want to do a good deed for someone which will make that person feel better and they'll go on and do two good things for people and those two people will do good for four good people and I think you get the idea.

If you want to do something nice and feel good about it, feel free to donate to my run here:

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Vegan Diary

Last Entry:

Well, I didn't keep up this diary as well as I would have hoped but I did stay vegan for 2 weeks and am still vegan today (today is day 16). Like I said earlier, it doesn't seem right to put in all that work (not that it was hard - okay it was hard at first and then got easier, I guess the word I'm looking for is effort) just to throw back to my old unconscious eating habits and eat a street vendor hot dog or grilled processed cheese sandwich.

I am now more aware of the food I'm putting in my body and the effect that that food has on me. I'm a little more aware of how my food choices impact the planet. I'm going to do my best to keep eating foods that are nice to both. I know that sometimes my choices will include meat, eggs and cheese but I will try to eat those foods that are raised organically or locally produced.

Thanks to Joan for having a birthday and wanting this as her gift!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Vegan Diary

Day 8 - August 31/09
Today was uneventful. I don't much miss meat anymore, not like I really at a LOT of it. Another trip around the grocer to make me realize how much there isn't to eat and how much I'm starting to lose my desire for food. It's becoming less of an enjoyment and more of a necessity. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Good thing is I am becoming more aware of what I'm putting in my body, losing my desire for junk and food for food's sake.

Day 9 - September 1/09
I'm not feeling so great today. I've had a headache for over three weeks now - something that other people would find disturbing but I'm somehow accustomed to. Though I will admit that now I'm becoming a bit concerned. Good thing I've got a doctor's appointment on Thursday. Not sure if changing my eating habits has helped or hindered in any way - not that it's been a long time, but there could be some withdrawl symptoms going on.
Had a craving for pudding today. Strange that I am starting to crave foods that I don't normally eat. Could be a throwback to my childhood, nostalgia setting in now that fall is coming. My boyfriend and I are having people over for dinner on the 12th and I'm planning on making a peach or apple pie. Again, it's either the vegan challenge or nostalgia that's ramping up my desire to bake. Going to a BBQ on Saturday, thankfully they have a daughter who is a vegetarian so there should be something I can eat. Failing that, I'll just drink my way through the night! Ha!

Day 10 - September 2/09
Contrary to my previous belief, I am NOT losing weight, in fact I feel like I'm gaining some. Ugh. I'm starting to realize that perhaps my past "dieting" techniques may be thwarting my present attempt at getting healthy (and maybe dropping a few pounds in the process). And I'm old, I have to factor that in. I hate being old. Stuff just takes longer when you're old (unlike teenage boys, eh? See, it's an ejaculation joke).
I realized today that the "challenge" of being vegan has worn off and now I just consider myself to be someone who doesn't eat meat, dairy, eggs or anything else from an animal (as for the honey debate, never cared for the stuff much in the first place). Didn't seem to take very long for my brain to make the switch. Maybe somethings happen faster when you get older (like driving up your credit card bill, eh? See it's a joke about women liking to shop when they're no longer having sex)
I do miss the excitement I had for food. I'm sure it's not gone very far, but most of what I liked about eating was the anticipation, the savoring, the creation.